


Welcome to Hogsmeade

by timstokerlovebot (SchmokSchmok)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Various characters mentioned - Freeform, Welcome to Night Vale fusion, scientist severus snape, voice of hogsmeade hermione granger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:21:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28289103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchmokSchmok/pseuds/timstokerlovebot
Summary: Hogsmeade is a small town in the scottish highlands that doesn't show up on any map. This is the community radio program a few days before Christmas.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Welcome to Hogsmeade

**Author's Note:**

> for chrisii because i love her and she deserves the very best!! (this is not the best, but if i could do the best, i would give it to her)
> 
> written for our twichtel-gift exchange c:
> 
> **CN: Food (mentioned), Mutilation (alluded to)**

Welcome to Hogsmeade, welcome!

Before we start our daily broadcast, this has just come in: Seamus Finnigan reports that he has seen the three scientists – Remus, Severus, and Tonks – just approach their Science Monitoring Station near Luna Lovegood’s (you know the farmer?) “Imaginary Asphodel” and Apple Farm with a tree tugged underneath their arms.

A _tree_ , you may ask, but _Hermione_ weren’t they banned in 2008 during firestorm season? And I may answer: You’re correct and if you see anyone with a tree inside the municipal boundaries, you should immediately inform the Auror’s Secret Police Officer closest to you. 

As perfectly integrated former-interlopers and now law-abiding citizens, the three scientists contacted the Auror in a timely fashion to get a permit for their scientific ritual and double-checked what they needed to make sure that no laws are going to be broken in the process. 

Intern Colin has already reached out to the Science Monitoring Station but, so far, the three scientists have not responded.

Let’s start with the news!

Mayor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore has called in a press conference to announce that Hogsmeade is doing well, exceptionally well even. He said: “The Knockturn Alley is thriving and in the process of taking over Diagon Alley in their annual Customer Service Week. Hogwarts has produced more Wildcats than Snakes this week – go Wildcats! – and the Green Market has offered to stay a week longer.”

He said this to two empty rows of chairs because he hadn’t told the press about this press conference, while riding a unicycle, his long beard wrapped around his neck like a scarf – as usual. 

Oh, dear Listeners, there’s an incoming text from Mayor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore that says: “I did _not_ forget to inform the press about this press conference, it was a _secret_ press conference and thus should not have been broadcasted _at all_.”

In the name of Wizarding Wireless Network I would like to apolo– oh, a second text has just come in. It’s the Hogwarts’ Board of Education and Regulation’s Enforcement informing me that: “The Hogwarts School of Education and Edification would like to renounce any allusions to favouritism of one of the four houses. All four mammals produced in Hogwarts – Wildcats, Badgers, Snakes and Eagles – are of equal worth and celebrated in the same intensity. Go Wildcats!”

As a former Wildcat myself I can only agree that there has never been happening any kind of favouritism in the Hogwarts School of Education and Edification – Go Wildcats!

Now a word from our sponsors:

Don’t turn around, it’s already here. Can you feel it in your feet? Don’t they carry you down Bach Road (without a T) and into Batch Road (with a T)? Don’t you feel the pull of the pink coloured exterior – which you don’t know the colour of because you’ve been averting your eyes, haven’t you? Can’t you feel it thrumming beneath your skin? The mandatory weekly urge to walk and don’t look and sit down and do as you’re told?

Madame Puddifoot’s – already waiting for you.

Dear Listeners, during the last segment, Intern Colin has come back with a statement from the Science Monitoring Station. He’s signalling me with a series of camera flashes that Remus Lupin, one of our three scientists, has announced a– no, dear Listeners, this can’t be true! Intern Colin’s camera flash signals must be mistaken or broken, in no way there’s going to be a– he’s nodding his head. Intern Colin is furiously nodding his head and gesturing towards my phone. I think he’s trying to tell me that I should text my– he’s nodding, while I’m sending this text …

Here’s a look at the Community Calendar:

  * 6:00 PM Friday at Obscurus Books, Gilderoy Lockhart will read an excerpt from his new book _Living Life as an Imposter, I Faked it and Made it, What’s Left Now, Oh, My God, What’s Left Anymore_
  * On Saturday the annual Hogwarts School of Education and Edification Blood Sports Week will start, join Headmistress McGonagall heralding the start of this festive and sonsy tradition! Go Wildcats!
  * Sunday doesn’t exist this week, sorry for the inconvenience!
  * Monday an ancient prophecy will be fulfilled, unfortunately, I can’t tell you which prophecy. No, really, I can’t, or it won’t come true. Just this: It may be of concern to the Boy Who Lived. You know the one. Yes, the one nobody is allowed to talk about. _It’s happening!_
  * Tuesday morning you are asked to shut your blinds because Tom Riddle from Upper Flagley – ugh, yeah, that guy – will pass through the streets of Hogsmeade. We don’t know when, we don’t know why, we only know his clumsy oaf footsteps can be heard from miles away. – The Auror’s Secret Police will look out for your blinds and if they’re open come Tuesday morning, they will escort you to one of their secret underground bunkers to keep you save.
  * Wednesday tried to mug Sybill Trelawney, so Hogsmeade will not associate with it this week. Wednesday is cancelled!
  * Thursday will be seventy-two hours to show our appreciation for the best day of the week. Make sure to honour its existence by staying awake and chanting songs of praise and worship every full hour! At the end of the day, there is going to be a Thursday Appreciation Fair with game booths that are definitively not rigged and displays of art made by our very own citizens like Blaise Zabini who sculpted what Thursday feels like to Old Man Slughorn who still claims that the Founders of Hogsmeade give him a fifth sense that makes him capable of hearing colours. City Council would like to remind you that the acknowledgement of the Founders of Hogsmeade is a great offence and can get you brought in for re-education and re-aligning of your perception. Oh, also, maybe stop giving them ten bucks when they ask for it? The Founders of Hogsmeade don’t exist.



And that’s all there is.

Dear Listeners, you won’t believe what happened in the last few minutes. Since Intern Colin has come back from the Science Monitoring Station and his camera flash signals, I have exchanged texts with multiple citizens.

Seamus Finnigan who is currently on a date with Dean Thomas – congratulations on that one, Seamus, you go Seamus! – has seen Scientist Tonks attach little lamps on a cable outside of the Science Monitoring Station and twigs rolled into a circular shape at the door of the Station. Tonks – who is preferring they/them pronouns at the time being, as per the pink bracelet on their left wrist – has waved at Seamus and Dean in passing but didn’t seem to think it necessary to explain their behaviour.

Luna Lovegood – you know, the farmer – was able to report strange music coming from the Science Monitoring Station, which was unheard of up until now, as musicology is a soft science which has no place in a Science Monitoring Station, as Scientist Severus Snape has said over a glass of wine and a few candle lights that melted the hard lines around his mouth in a rather domestic and distracting way. I’m not sure if he said it in confidence but it’s just you and me, dear Listeners, so it should be alright.

Once again, Intern Colin is signalling me with his camera flash and– oh, you’re right, Colin!

Dear Listeners, before the last segment Intern Colin has signalled me with his camera flash that Scientist Remus Lupin has announced that the Scientists are going to take a break from Science. This is the most scandalous thing Hogsmeade has ever heard since Helena Ra’ven LeClaw, who still suggests in irregular intervals and absolutely unprompted that she could be a descendant of one of the Founders of Hogsmeade, which – duh, Helena, we all know you moved here from Upper Flagley, and yes you _should_ be ashamed of that fact! –, has claimed to have not been born but instead been hatched from an egg. 

Since I’m an investigative reporter, I immediately called my husband, Scientist Severus Snape, who would never neglect doing Science on his own volition. Sadly, he hasn’t picked up his phone, so I sent him a text asking him about the alleged break.

I’m still waiting for an answer, so, we sent Intern Dennis out to investigate the Science premises and report back to us.

Until then, here are this week’s horoscopes:

> **Pisces:** This week you possess an inner worth rivalled by few. Search inside yourself, look for clues as to what it is that makes you so worthy. It might take a while and a rather sharp knife but you should be able to reach into your rib cage to retrieve the instructions carved into your bones how to make yourself even more valuable.
> 
> **Cancer:** Your mood-swings can be charming but they an also be a pain in the backside, so don’t turn your mood ring as often as you normally would. Just for a few weeks, we beg you!
> 
> **Scorpio:** Three years ago, someone wronged you. They did a great evil to you, I know. But you got to let your grudges go. Do not hold on to them. This is petty behaviour and doesn’t do you any good.
> 
> **Aries:** You’re fun at parties, Aries, great work! Don’t change a thing!
> 
> **Leo:** Take a step back, Leo, and a deep breath. You’re not alone in this world. There’s a universe filled with possibilities and gentle embraces, with thoughts that would never cross your mind. The sun shines upon your head and the stars tell me that you’re a pompous twat that should stop putting themselves into the centre of every conversation.
> 
> **Sagittarius:** You are loved, the stars write your name into the sky to worship your existence, astonished that a group of atoms and molecules and star dust can combine in such a perfect manner. Forgotten gods weep in your presence, incapable of comprehending your beauty, inner and outer likewise.
> 
> **Virgo:** You will step on a Lego brick today. It _will_ hurt.
> 
> **Taurus:** I accidentally sold your lab coat to the Junk Shop, so it might be sentient now. I am sorry.
> 
> **Aquarius:** Beware of the hole in Ollivanders’ shop, not the one on Diagon Alley, the other one. No, stop going towards the hole! Stop pointing at the hole, laughing at the hole and mimicking jumping into the hole! – I _told_ you this is a bad idea! This is your own fault.
> 
> **Gemini:** You left your wallet on our kitchen table. I don’t want anything from you in my flat, take it back or I’ll punch you in the face again, Draco, come on I dare you.
> 
> **Libra:** You’ve been paitently waiting for a long time, maybe even too long. No, scratch that: Definitively too long. You should have made that decision weeks ago. We’re not angry, but we’re tired. Because if you wait that means we have to wait and we hate waiting. Resent it, actually.

This has been this week’s horoscopes.

Daphne Greengrass, the owner of Obscurus Books would like me to add to the community calendar segment that people are _not_ allowed to touch the books or read the books. Daphne said: “I’m already blocking the way to the shelves because it’s illegal to read, but people still try to climb over chairs and duck underneath the barrier tape. It’s exhausting, Hermione.”

Further she said: “The only person allowed to read is Gilderoy Lockhart, please, guys!” Then after a brief pause in which she changed from her jean jacket into a white open blouse, she continued: “The Auror’s Secret Police will be there to arrest anyone trying to read. Except Gilderoy Lockhart who is legally allowed to read.”

Then she vanished in a cloud of glitter.

Correction, Daphne just texted me: “I did _not_ vanish in a cloud of glitter, it was a mist of glitter, as clouds are banned from Hogsmeade. All Hail the Glow Cloud!”

All Hail the Glow Cloud, Daphne! This is not a mistake that should happen to me. I like to praise myself for my degree in journali– my dear Listeners, Scientist Severus has just contacted me. Sometimes I still can’t believe that this man actually talks to me.

But while I’m getting to the bottom of this … let’s take a look at the Weather!

[“[F the Moon](https://youtu.be/z7VhZD-Dgkc)” by AliObviously plays]

I can’t wait to see _that_ for myself, sounds promising for a walk through town without the feeling of a constant threat at your throat, am I right?

Scientist Severus, my husband and possibly the love of my life? more on that later!, has finally brought light into the darkness that is Science for us, the mere mortal citizens of this small highland town.

You might remember, I asked him if he were _really_ taking a break from Science and that I didn’t think that would do him some good. And he said, my Severus said: “We are currently taking a break from Science, indeed, as in the place that we come from, this time of year is utilised as a widespread holiday where everyone takes a day or two off to spend time with their family.”

“So, a little bit like All Smile’s Day,” I said, “but instead of the offerings of teeth to the All Smiling God, you stay at home?”

“Exactly,” he said. Which, admittedly, makes me pretty happy, given that the non-hogsmedean traditions of that place where the three scientists come from are non-sensical at best.

So, I asked: “You’re going back to doing Science tomorrow but what are you doing with that tree?”

“It’s a Christmas tree,” my Severus said. “It’s supposed to look nice, I guess.”

Which is deeply fascinating to me, dear Listeners. Have you ever heard of putting a dead tree in your house to celebrate your own family? This seems like mirrors, if I’m being completely honest with you. They increase your vainness and close-mindedness for your family. – Hogsmeade is your family, dear Listeners, yes, even Draco Malfoy is part of your family. Yeah, ugh, I know. Don’t tell me about it.

But as the three scientists have adapted to our small community, it is time for us to compromise and not burn them at the stake for putting oddly shaped lamps on their exterior walls and trees inside.

“As long as they’ve got a permit,” added a spokesperson of the Auror’s Secret Police just now via soft morse code knocking on my door.

With this deep sense of mutual affection and understanding, I’m going to leave you for tonight.

Good night, Hogsmeade, good night!

_Today’s proverb: Don’t kiss the frog. Train them to become an assassin and take out your enemies!_


End file.
